Amherst’s 250th anniversary parade steps off this Sunday at 1 p.m., and we are looking forward to what promises to be the biggest and best parade this town has ever seen. But it got us thinking about what a parade that truly represented this wacky and lovable place we live in might look like. Here’s our tongue-in-cheek vision of how a couple of TV announcers might narrate that show.
“Well, Sharon, it’s great to be here in Am-Herst today for what looks like a spectacular event!”
“That’s right, Bob, and from our crow’s nest atop the beautiful CVS complex, we’ll bring you all the pomp and pageantry this pretty little college town has to offer. And they’re really pulling out all the stops. Here comes the first float now.”
“Right you are, Sharon, and it looks like it’s the Town Meeting float! Crafted from recycled warrant articles and anonymous position statements, it’s designed to look like the two-headed pushmi-pullyu from the beloved children’s book, ‘Doctor Dolittle.’”
“That’s pronounced ‘push-me-pull-you,’ right Bob? It’s a remarkable float, but it seems to be a little difficult to steer, as each of its heads appears to be pulling in opposite directions.”
“Well, Sharon, as that one spins painstakingly slowly down the street, what’s next?”
“That would be the Traffic Calming float, Bob. Sort of an experimental float, it keeps dropping speed bumps and Jersey barriers – and how about that, it looks like it’s diverting the parade onto some adjacent streets up ahead! Our producer is now estimating that the parade could last 8 hours!”
“These people are so creative, Sharon! It looks like we’ll be here awhile – what else can we expect?”
“Well, Bob, everyone is talking about the Party House float – decorated with old couches and plastic beer cups and featuring a soundtrack of thumping white-boy rap. It’s not here yet, but we expect it’ll be making the scene around 2 a.m.”
“Yes, and look at that float stuck on the side of the route, I think that’s the Sensible Development float – everyone says they love it, but we hear parade organizers had a heck of a time figuring out where to put it, since nobody wants it next to them.”
“Ho ho, and I hear there’s going to be a UMass float – word is they haven’t actually decided on a design theme yet, but they keep building it anyway.”
“And don’t forget the Lord Jeffery Amherst float – they say it’ll look like a brand new inn, as soon as they finish cleaning the blankets.”
“Well, here comes a bright orange and blue float, that’s the Shop Locally float – co-sponsored by the town of Hadley and Home Depot, Lowe’s, and Wal-Mart.”
“Oh, and wasn’t there going to be a Land Conservation float?”
“There was, Bob, but that one was nixed because they wanted to take up the entire parade!”
“Ha ha, Sharon – great to have this inside dope. And speaking of dope, what about the Extravaganja float?”
“Well, they’re trying to find it – it was last seen somewhere in the vicinity of Hampshire College.”
This stuff practically writes itself, if you’ve spent any time in town and love it as we do. But jokes aside, there are so many great reasons to celebrate Amherst, and so many other floats we could assemble in our parade of honor.
There’s the diversity float, celebrating the major element that distinguishes Amherst from other small country towns. There’s the CISA float, recognizing those true local heroes who do so much to sustain local farming. There’s the downtown wireless float, celebrating a benefit that many places lack – free wireless Internet access, aiding tech entrepreneurs and downtown businesses alike.
There’s the Kendrick Park float, recognizing the exciting chance to make a new, inviting public space downtown. There’s the town employee float, honoring the hard-working people who make this town run, and the citizen volunteer float, celebrating those who spend their spare time trying to help them.
We could go on and on, but it’s time for the real thing – see you at the parade this Sunday!
Amherst Center is a monthly column which appears in The Amherst Bulletin that seeks to portray local issues from a centrist perspective. It is written by Town Meeting members Baer Tierkel and Clare Bertrand and School Committee member Andy Churchill.